ONE FISH, TWO FISH: A Sarcastic Gamer Blog
(originally posted on October 14th, 2008)
[A look back at when my crappy SG blogs used to be in stupid segments]
Have you ever just stared at the Aquarium Screensaver? I mean just stare at it for a few hours? That’s what I did this past Saturday…because I have no life. I was just transfixed by the beautiful colors of all the fishies floating gracefully by.
Anyway, I downloaded what I consider to be the best looking Aquarium screensaver ever! My favorite was the clownfish. Its little flippers were just flipping by. I just can’t believe I never appreciated the beauty of the computer Aquarium. It almost tempts me to buy some real fishies…but I’ll forget to feed them and then they’d die…and then I’d be sad…and then I’d be too depressed to write blogs for you all.
Anyway, I downloaded what I consider to be the best looking Aquarium screensaver ever! My favorite was the clownfish. Its little flippers were just flipping by. I just can’t believe I never appreciated the beauty of the computer Aquarium. It almost tempts me to buy some real fishies…but I’ll forget to feed them and then they’d die…and then I’d be sad…and then I’d be too depressed to write blogs for you all.
Oh well…
DPSF: Kickass Weaponry
Over the years, video games have offered us many memorable characters. These characters compel us and draw us into the story…but how often do we pay attention to their weapons. Those awesome things that make playing as the compelling character juts that bit more special. Instead of writing a huge feature, I’m going to count down my top 10 Kickass Weapons in Video Gaming…and I invite you to do the same.10. Meat – Mortal Kombat: Nope. Not those cleavers he carries, but Meat himself. He makes this list by virtue of randomly ripping off limbs and using them to beat people down. He would have been #1…but I realized that everything else about him sucked.
9. Gravity Gun – Half Life 2: I love this thing because you can pick up a rock and bludgeon your opponent with it from afar…again....and again…and again…
8. Laser Sword – Halo: It’s sooooo cheap…but if feel so good when you uppercut some poor, unsuspecting n00b and watch them plummet to the ground crying for their mommy…yeah. I’m mean.
7. Random Crap Cannon – Fallout 3: The game isn’t out, but the idea of launching a flaming teddy bear at someone’s face…that’s just amazing (I know that’s not what it’s called, but that’s what I’m gonna call it).
6. Rocket Launcher – Almost every FPS EVER: “I don’t like you, you freaking camper! You and your stupid sniper rifle…I’m going to do exactly what I hate and camp as well, and then shoot you with my kickass rocket launcher. It doesn’t matter if I hit you in the arm. You’re gonna go squish.”
5. Gunblade – Final Fantasy VIII: Squall was a whiny emo b****, so why do people love him so much? No…it’s not the gay fanfiction they can write…it’s that awesome gun…sword...? The Gunblade is kickass just because you can slice someone’s arm off and then pop a cap in their brain. That’s smooth.
4. BFG9000 – Doom: I don’t know what the hell that stuff was…but it was pretty damn awesome. Plus, any weapon that has f*** in it’s name is kickass on its own.
3. Bionic Arm – Bionic Commando: It would be cool to have this thing grafted onto my arm…especially if I could turn it into a hand. I’d never have to catch a bus to school ever again…I could just zip around like a awesome-er version of Spiderman.
2. The Lancer – Gears of War: I don’t even have to explain this. Chainsaw=Good, Gun=Good, Chainsaw and Gun = GOOOOD!
1. Portal Gun – Portal: The reason why the portal gun PWNS everything on this list is because you can use it to move out of the way of something and/or deflect things. Every game should have a portal gun…no matter what kind it is.
That’s my list, folks. Before I move on, honorable mentions go to The Groovitron(Ratchet & Clank), The Glaive(Dark Sector), The Fireball(Mario Bros.), The Anal Probe(Destroy All Humans), and The Nintendo Power Glove (by virtue of being just one of the greatest Space Michael Jackson Halloween costume additions EVER). Someone should make a game with all of these weapons. The licensing would be hell, but we’d get an awesome game. The Power glove would be the most dangerous…
If you don’t agree with my choices for any reason, leave me a comment with your top ten…or top 3…or top 1. Whatever you have time for, I don’t care. I’d like to hear what you think.
The DPS Greatness Cast Award for Craptastics
#5. My Horse and Me
I was dreading playing this game…really. I don’t know what coerced me into picking this particular horse game, but this one it is. Before I start, I suppose I need to put out a disclaimer. I DID NOT buy this game. My Horse and Me (or Horse Abuse: The Game, as it shall now be called) marks the first time I’ve used a DS emulator...because I refuse to support a game like this in stores.
First thing’s first…I didn’t play this game. I got to the first part of the tutorial and then the emulator crapped out on me…something about a system error. After checking my computer for viruses, I went to my aunt and uncles house again and enlisted my cousin’s help. Not the Ninjabread cousin…his sister…my other cousin. She just so happened to have Horse Abuse: The Game and I watched her play it. She wouldn’t let me do it. She was afraid I’d rip the pretty stickers off her DS. So I watched her start a new game for my benefit (or misfortune…you pick). I was immediately put off by the character creator. You choose between a boy and a girl, with no option of skin pigmentation and you’re only allowed medium and short hair (pick either one, because the hair looks exactly the same). My cousin chose blonde hair for a girl, and the resulting character looked like Hitler’s ideal woman. I know, a little extreme, but I don’t care.
So what did we do now? We get to listen to a creepy looking dude on the bottom screen talk while he looks at us with his beady little eyes. That was a real picture folks…you can’t 3D-ize a look like that…he’s one of those people that pop up on message boards and pretend to be a 16 year old girl, asking crap like “A/S/L” and “You wanna meet somewhere?”
Next thing we did is train our horse in a tutorial led by the creepy child predator. Just as a quick spot of warning, don’t ever make your horse walk in Horse Abuse: The Game. As a matter of fact, don’t ever make your horse run…or eat…or do anything. If you’re playing Horse Abuse: The Game, any of these actions will bring you hours (or minutes…or seconds) of mind numbing pain and unhappiness. THERE IS NO SAFE MINIMUM! IT'S LIKE ALCOHOL AND PREGNANCY!
Well, needless to say that’s all I needed to see to make my judgment…and it’s all I could see. My cousin had to go to a friends house and refused to let me borrow the game and stuck out her tongue at me (don’t ask why I even asked).
#5. My Horse and Me
I was dreading playing this game…really. I don’t know what coerced me into picking this particular horse game, but this one it is. Before I start, I suppose I need to put out a disclaimer. I DID NOT buy this game. My Horse and Me (or Horse Abuse: The Game, as it shall now be called) marks the first time I’ve used a DS emulator...because I refuse to support a game like this in stores.
First thing’s first…I didn’t play this game. I got to the first part of the tutorial and then the emulator crapped out on me…something about a system error. After checking my computer for viruses, I went to my aunt and uncles house again and enlisted my cousin’s help. Not the Ninjabread cousin…his sister…my other cousin. She just so happened to have Horse Abuse: The Game and I watched her play it. She wouldn’t let me do it. She was afraid I’d rip the pretty stickers off her DS. So I watched her start a new game for my benefit (or misfortune…you pick). I was immediately put off by the character creator. You choose between a boy and a girl, with no option of skin pigmentation and you’re only allowed medium and short hair (pick either one, because the hair looks exactly the same). My cousin chose blonde hair for a girl, and the resulting character looked like Hitler’s ideal woman. I know, a little extreme, but I don’t care.
So what did we do now? We get to listen to a creepy looking dude on the bottom screen talk while he looks at us with his beady little eyes. That was a real picture folks…you can’t 3D-ize a look like that…he’s one of those people that pop up on message boards and pretend to be a 16 year old girl, asking crap like “A/S/L” and “You wanna meet somewhere?”
Next thing we did is train our horse in a tutorial led by the creepy child predator. Just as a quick spot of warning, don’t ever make your horse walk in Horse Abuse: The Game. As a matter of fact, don’t ever make your horse run…or eat…or do anything. If you’re playing Horse Abuse: The Game, any of these actions will bring you hours (or minutes…or seconds) of mind numbing pain and unhappiness. THERE IS NO SAFE MINIMUM! IT'S LIKE ALCOHOL AND PREGNANCY!
In conclusion, I’m not even going to give this one a rating. I’m just going to say that this is one of the reasons why Atari is going down the crapper…
The DPS Graphics Corner
Here’s something special. I made this the other day just because. I was worried about how it would turn out (since I was just using the picture and a few simple background effects), but it did OK.
Tasty Tidbit
We all know the little Italian plumber was originally called Jumpman…and that Mario wasn’t the flagship Nintendo title (DK…Donkey Kong…), but do you know why he had a hat and a mustache?
Shigeru Miyamoto, Mario creator, made Mario with a hat because he found it difficult to draw hair. Likewise, a mustache was a lot easier to draw than a mouth, since a mouth would be a lot harder to see in the pixels of that day and age.
Let’s give a hand for laziness. That’s probably the reason I’d make my character wear a hat…even though I suck at drawing hats too. Put it this way: If I ever post on this blog (or anywhere else) that I want to draw art for a video game, grab me, tie me to a chair, and then slap me until I cry for my mommy…I should be ok by then…and no. You DO NOT have permission to do it whenever you feel like it.
As a bonus tidbit, Mario’s full name is Mario Mario. Think about it. If you lump Mario and Luigi together, they are called “The Mario Brothers”. Luigi’s name isn’t Mario, so I’d assume their full names would be Mario Mario and Luigi Mario…just saying…
What do we think about Sarah Palin?
Republican, Democrat, Independent, Undecided…EVERYONE (and I mean everyone) seems to have an opinion about Sarah Palin…even the people living under rocks.
So I have to ask…what do you think. Is she a visionary? Is she goofy? Is she cannon fodder for comedians? Is she a good VP pick? Do you like the SNL skits or think they’re a travesty? I’d like to know. Hit me up in the comments section and leave your opinion.
Please excuse the unfunny that emanates from this post...I tried too hard back then. I still try too hard now, but I have MS Paint now, damn it!
Also feel free to comment on any of the stupid stuff in here. It's still valid even a year+ later.
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