Episode 1: Online Petitions

I like to write about stuff that nobody cares about. It really sends a wave of warmth down my spine to know that I'm not really making a difference. It sort of reminds me of online petitions, only I find myself far more interesting.




A long time ago, the only way you could get your voice heard was by walking out in the streets and proclaiming what you wanted. I'm sure some kind of tolerance was to be had. If we go way back, one would probabaly get assaulted by dogs and tear gas. Go way way back and you can forget about tolerance. The king would probably have your head chopped off.

Nowadays, we have online petitions. The words "online petition" have two different meanings. A crock one and the one I tend to lean towards.

1. "We are very displeased with the current state of something we support/enjoy/etc. Let this petition go on record as saying we shall stand as one and combat this change/inclusion/etc. for the greater good!"

2. "I don't like how this is going, so I'm going to be lazy and sit on my ass while more important people do things I can't change. I'm going to promote myself to the moon and pretend like Infinity Ward are actually going to put space lasers in Modern Warfare 7...because I'm important."

I'll give you three guesses as to which one makes a lot more sense.
Protip: It's not the first one.

I have a very bad opinion of peoplee who decide an online petition is the best course of action when it comes to changing things. It's the internet equivalent of writing to your congressman asking for your revolutionary "Velociraptors as pets" law to pass. Not only is it ridiculous to think that the opinion of one will sway an important person's mind, but velociraptors are dead. Stop being silly.


The most recent stupid petition that was created in my recent memory (that piqued my interests...because I don't really have that many) was a Left 4 Dead 2 petition. People believed it was too soon for Valve to release a new Left 4 Dead game. I mean...it's only been a year. These guys are INSANE for wanting to capitalize on a popular series.

It's legitimate to think something is too early. The morning or a particularly nasty case of broken water, for instance, are both incredibly nasty things to experience if you are unprepared. I, for one, am not a fan of being punched in the gut by a rather large person. Two of those things have happened to me and, being a male, I would hope the third one doesn't. Zombies, however, can never be experienced too early. These people campaigned and campaigned for this game to be released as an expansion to the original...or...or...not at all. A big point of reasoning was that these guys were scared Valve was becoming EA, a developer known throughout the land as an evil twin headed dragon that spits out burning mouthfuls of sequels! By the bucket! THE BUCKET!


Here's the thing...and it's a good one...at least I think so. Valve is notorious for making their sequels so far apart that you almost forget there was a predecessor in the first place. It took them 6 years to release Half-Life 2...8 years for Team Fortress...it's so insane. I think Left 4 Dead is their only series to be released consecutive years in a row. Valve, in my opinion, have a good handle on their release schedule. The game sold well and nearly everyone loves it.

You know the petitioners? Yeah. A vast majority of them are playing the game and find it entertaining. Way to support a cause, guys!


There are things that work when protesting, however. A website I am very fond of called Sarcastic Gamer had a boycott of Battlefield: Bad Company last year when it was released. The developer, DICE, was offering on disc content (meaning the stuff was already there...meaning you already paid for it) as paid DLC. Someone would have to pay extra money on top of the initial $60 for stuff they already paid for. People didn't like this at all. The idea was that Doc, Lono, and Dave (the Sarcastic Gamer Podcast hosts) called their listeners and members of the site to arms. They weren't going to buy the game until this was taken care of. Over time, bigger sites jumped onto the bandwagon and DICE changed their DLC policy to meet the demands of the wave of angry gamers.

The one thing that should be taken out of that is the big lack of online petition. Instead of SG calling for gamers to sign a petition that wouldn't work, they asked the gamers to do something about it. they were asked to send letters, send news tips to larger sites, and not buy the game...and it worked! It worked gloriously!

I think the big problem with online petitions is the flakiness that surrounds the online petition. It's a very unofficial way of handling things and most people sign them for kicks. The vast vast majority will buy/do/think/wear/etc. whatever the petition is against anyway. I'm sure there are a couple of people that will stick to the plan, but I wouldn't trust anyone who signs an online petition to keep their word about whatever is being protested. It takes organization, willpower, and cooperation to make something successful. Writing a dumb, possibly un-witty name an even dumber comment is not helping anything.

If you were baffled by that game talk (I can't imagine you were, but whatever), then I have a prior reference to flash back to. Don't write to your senator about velociraptors...and don't make an online petition about velociraptors. It won't work, because you can't have a velociraptor. Now stop being silly.

I hope you got something out of this. I also hope you agree with me, because...if you don't...I'm...I'm...I'm gonna start an online petition to have you launched into space without a helmet! Take that!