Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Episode 2: The Foolproof Guide to Using Logic in the Face of Zombies and Certain Death

Break glass in case of zombie apocalypse. This post could be your savior...


Oh how I do love leading people on. This post is definitely NOT the thing you should be reading if the world is overrun by zombies...unless you have a laptop in a well stocked attic. You probabaly aren't getting any other good entertainment, seeing as the TV Station people and the radio personalities are all dead. That's probably them breaking your grandmother's finest china now. Wait a minute. Why aren't you dead? Something is very wrong here.

You see, children...we've been desensitized. Not to violence or sex (though that's probabaly the case), but to zombies. So many video games come out where the main character(s) is (are) empowered bad asses with huge weapons and even larger balls (unless they're female, in which case they'll have the largest ball of all). Playing these games has really caused us to drop our guard. Our awareness has been breached and it is my personal idea of civic duty to help you...by telling you to drop dead. I mean...if you encounter a zombie, you're going to die and become one of them. There's no way around it.

I've got with me a guide for you. You probabaly know by the title of the post what it's called, but I'll let you know again in case you're stupid or already a zombie. It's called "The Foolproof Guide to Using Logic in the Face of Zombies and Certain Death." It's part autobiography, so reading the whole thing might result in some discomfort while I cry about my life. What I've done here, however, is given you the important bits. What's the point of me making money off my book? I'm dead...and even if I wasn't, by the time you even thought about going to the store to buy it...you'd be dead too.

Step 1.
Come to terms with your situation...your house is most likely being approached by he horde. You need to realize that you're in serious trouble...and fast. If you don't skip straight to acceptance, you'll have to pass the 5 steps onto another family member that is bound to die.

Step 2.
Be sure you have an attic. If you live in an apartment, you're probabaly going to die. If you live in a house with an attic stuffed with boxes...you're probably going to die. There's no way you're going to be able to clear out years of antiquated junk treasure from your past before the undead masses of hungry flesh rotters. If you have an attic free of clutter, then you should be cool unless you follow the next steps. If you decide you want to live longer, skip right to step 4.

Step 3.
If you're here, then I apologize very much...because you're either dead...or about to dead (no...that wasn't a typo). You see...step 3 involves you traversing your house (that has, most likely, been breached) to retrieve sustenance. A brown paper grocery bag should be your weapon of choice (don't bother with a gun. there's too many of them). Stuff it full of canned foods and whatever else you can. The look at it one last time and take a bite out of a large red apple while the zombies surround you.

Step 4.
Seeing as 3 doesn't ever actually lead to 4, there's only one scenario you can have here. We're making the assumption that you and your trusty laptop went straight up into your attic. You are now probably starving and parched...don't worry. The zombies can't get you...but this is a much slower way to die. 

Just to sum up. You're going to die eventually. Don't try and fight it.

But in case you're determined to anyway, I've compiled a Do and Don't list. Honestly, it's a One Do and Many Don't list, but you do what you got to do. 

DO accept the futility of your situation
DON'T dance with the zombies. They don't like dancing. Michael Jackson dying was tragic, but he will ultimately be the death of many fun loving children thanks to that accursed Thriller!
DON'T feed the zombies. They don't like carrots. Get near enough and they'll feed themselves.
DON'T pretend to be a zombie. Shaun of the Dead may be a hilarious masterpiece, but zombies can sense if you aren't one of them.
DON'T use the internet. What the hell are you doing!? Your computer is one of them now! Great job!

Go up to any person and ask them what their zombie plan is. Someone will come up with something serious and ridiculous...someone will come up with something funny and ridiculous...someone will come up with something serious, unintentionally funny, and ridiculous. It takes all sorts.

Me? I'm going to offer myself up as soon as possible. At least I get to prey on your foolish flesh from the beginning.

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